When your angel becomes a #$%&.
“You’re being an ass,” I admonished.
…and with that, she engaged the icy teenage stare.
I responded with the classic parental raising of the eyebrows as if to say, “Do we remember which one of us is the parent?”
Silently, she closed her book and sulked into her room.
WIN!
…
What?
She was being a jerk. I don’t have to like it.
What is going on?
I seem to be bombarded lately with articles about how parents feel bad that they don’t “like” their teens. These dissertations from parents are about how the person their child has become is not the way they raised them. The parents go on to explain feelings of guilt and shame at not thinking their children are beautiful angels.
The article comments are filled with parent after parent responding in commiseration, creating these weird parent-self-help-self-pity groups. Some have gone so far as to say you really need a peer parent who has gone through this tragic stage to lean on for help and support.
I’ll be honest, here. I don’t get it.
Stop feeling bad and continue being a parent.
Why is it not that simple?
Didn’t you raise your kid the “right” way? Didn’t you teach them the difference between right and wrong, not to lie, not to cheat? Of course! We all did to some extent or another.
The reality is that I was no Dali Lama as a teen and I can’t believe we would expect that our teens are going to be. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Right? We still believe that, don’t we?
These few years as a pissy teenager are temporary. They’re growing and pushing boundaries. As parents, we just need to remember three things:
- It is still our job to hold the boundaries. Let ’em push, but hold the fort.
- When this phase is over, they’ll go back to being little angels – albeit ones with tattoos and ear-plugs possibly.
- We still get to call them on their crap! What fun would parenting be if we couldn’t?
Your kids are going to be jerks. Just like everyone in the world has their moments of imperfection, our kids will not forever be perfect little boys and girls… if they ever really were.
OK, so your kid is doing stupid things and being an all-around jerk most of the time. These are just actions and behaviors… and they are temporary. But, on the whole, it is not who our children are for the entirety of their existence.
Acquiesce
On some level, we all kind of want to be the cool parent. You know what? Do it! Be the cool parent.
The thing is, truly being cool means standing your ground. It means having confidence in your convictions and holding fast to them. It means everyone knows what to expect from you and that you don’t wear corduroy, argyle, or plaid pants.
At some point, people – which most parents are – believe that getting someone to like you means being amicable. This is really not the case. People don’t, in general, like people they don’t respect. The same goes for our teens. They really aren’t going to like you if you’re a pushover, do whatever they want, and play into whatever drama du-jour.
This is a great time to remember what we’ve been told throughout our parenting adventure: Kids need stability. Kids, even teens, actually crave stability and routine… and they’re never going to admit it. Look back at what it means to be cool – stand your ground.
Don’t let them just be jerks with no consequences… even if “consequences” is just being called an ass by their parent. 😉
PS – About an hour later, she came out of her room, gave me a hug, and apologized for being a jerk. It only took her an hour to remember what I’ve been teaching her about apologizing when you do something wrong. We lived happily ever after.
Now, you can follow my shenanigans on Twitter.
