Guns Ablazin’

Guns Ablazin’

She makes the rules. Her body, Her rulesThe other day, I saw the picture to the right come across my Facebook page. Immediately, I was bothered by it. To me, the most standout feature isn’t the text. It’s the fact that image is from the back. No self-respecting father – or mother – would promote, or even accept, the idea that our teenagers, chock full o’ hormones, are capable of setting limits on their body. And in turn, their sexuality.

My friend, who re-posted the image, remarked how fathers making gun-cleaning comments, when their daughters’ male suitors were brought up, leaves impressionable kids stuck in the idea that they don’t control their own bodies.

It gave me pause. I’ll be the first to admit I’m one of those overbearing fathers. In fact, I have two simple rules:

  1. If a boy is going to date my daughter, I need to meet them – so I can let them know I’m not afraid to go back to jail… and to enjoy their date.
  2. No more than one year older than her. The difference between sixteen and eighteen is… well… huge.

Sure, the first one is silly, as I’ve never been to jail, but it’s also enough of a nudge to remind my daughter that her life is not a free-for-all just because her hormones are doing their best to make it so.

I never thought much of the first rule, particularly when she began responding, “I know, Dad.”

So, when there was a boy she wanted to go to Junior Prom with, she had already begun figuring out how he could meet me and at least pass Test 1. He was two years older and I was twice as angry about it. But, I gave her enough rope to hang herself and agreed to meet him anyway.

This is the first recollection I have of hoping my daughter would like other girls.

Who are we raising?

I wonder, now, what the point of the original image was. Are there people who really believe their thirteen, fourteen, or fifteen-year-old child is fully capable of making every decision on a grand scale? That our teenagers are really able to understand the magnitude of their sexuality? With precious little experience in this world, are we supposed to entrust our “almost adults” with full autonomy in their lives… because it’s “their” body?

There are parents who are raising children. No matter how old their child is, they view their role as a parent is to provide totally and protect from every possible mistake, hurt, or failure.

I’m not of that mind.

I’ve always believed our job as parents is to raise adults. We are meant to provide a sturdy example of responsibility and integrity. We are to provide a stable and fertile foundation for them to grow into adulthood, so that as adults, they are capable of making good decisions for themselves.

So, you can see where the idea that my child – not yet in adulthood – is supposed to be “in control” of anything, lies outside of my parenting paradigm. So, I have to ask:

As parents, are we to believe our children are responsible enough to behave as fully functioning adults despite that we know they are too naive to understand how much more they’re going to grow?

Preparing for the High School equivalent of Charles Manson, I meet this boy my daughter thinks will be her prom date. What I find is a young adult accepted to college and aiming for a Master’s Degree in Theology so he can become a priest. Seriously?!?! I can’t even make that one up! Moreover, he looked me in the eye, stood up tall, and shook my hand instinctively… with a firm grip, nonetheless.

I had to agree. He did give me a good feeling and despite his age, I honestly felt like my daughter had made a good choice – even if he was technically a boy.

Teens know everything

Despite this “good” choice, I can’t see anything more detrimental to my daughter’s future than sending her off with the idea that she will know best in matters of mind over emotion. I’m fairly certain I was in my mid-thirties before I even understood that was a thing.

Couple this with the constant reminder that teens believe their knowledge is far greater than it is, and you’ve got a recipe for very poor decision making – that will definitely lead to lifelong effects.

I’m not so sure even my “you’ve got to learn from experience” philosophy reaches into the realm of hormones vs. cognitive decision-making.

In a bolt of self-fulfilling prophesy, the next boy that caught her interest, was less – and more – of a man. At five years older than her, I’ve never met him. Both tests = fail.

And the point I’m trying to make: One good decision does not override an entire body revved up on new experiences.

I’m also not foolish enough to believe that if I forbid her to continue seeing him that she won’t run right out and do it. The best I can do is continue having the conversation about safety, love, and respecting herself while understanding the place “he” is in. That is, “What on Earth does a guy who goes to bars want to do with a girl in High School?”

Wouldn’t that be beautiful – even as adults – for us to understand the place our partner is in with regard to the relationship? Yeah, I know. I’m hopeless.

Who is responsible for teaching our children sexuality?

Is it the school, which is responsible for teaching kids “stuff”? Is it our child’s own experience, as they own their identity? Or is the obvious answer the truth? Of course it is. We are.

So, we have “the talk.”

It’s often clunky and uncomfortable. We use silly metaphors that we don’t quite understand. We look down at the table, or down at the ice cream, which I still use to soften my daughter up for “talks.”

When we’re done, we want to brush our teeth. We walk into another room and quiver. Finally, we take a very deep breath and pray that whatever nonsense we just spewed somehow translated to our kids to be safe, feel loved, and respect themselves.

And I’m simply here to remind you: Have the talk again.

…and again.

… and if you have to, again.

What does love mean to you? Tell her.

What does sex, ideally, symbolize to you? Tell him.

What do you want to feel when you share time with someone? Tell them.

… then do it again. Make sure there’s ice cream.

We don’t want to keep our teens so sexually sheltered that they get to college and completely explode… yet, we don’t want to give them complete freedom and watch them completely explode. Somehow, we have to give them an understanding of sexuality and just hope they… understand.

Because, a huge part of their… of our… identity comes from sexuality. They’re just starting to figure those things out.

There’s a gray area we, as parents, need to keep our children in. It’s somewhere between protecting them from making a life-altering mistake and letting them understand and discover their own sexuality. Frankly, I think that area may be directly at the end of a “cleaning my guns” joke.

And then I question whether I am just hypersensitive based on having had a child at twenty – or IS it really ludicrous to believe our teenagers are capable of “making their own rules?”

Now, you can follow my shenanigans on Twitter.

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Comments

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2 Comments

  1. Avatar
    Neida May 01, 2014

    What a great, thought provoking post. It’s not like kids suddenly wake up as adults one day. The teen years are a big gray area. Sounds like you are doing the best any parent can do, communicate a lot and set the right example. Love the prom picture!

  2. Avatar
    Stu May 01, 2014

    Thanks for the comment, Neida. There’s really no handbook…except this site… so the best we can do is keep examining what we say / show our kids and figure out why we’re doing it. With any luck they’ll turn out less messed up than we are. 😀

    I kind of wonder how much damage letting her go to the prom with a bear will do in the long run.

    -Stu

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