Reasons to get a puppy

I have to warn my fellow parents that there’s a video doing the rounds entitled 6 Reasons You Need A Puppy: Share this video with your parents and you’ll have a dog in no time. This web of lies and deceit lays out 6 compelling reasons for getting a puppy (they obviously couldn’t come up with 10). Having recently got a puppy myself after making the schoolgirl error of falling for anything a teenager says, I present my counter-argument for this spurious piece of footage.

“Dogs can smell cancer” – This is one of those pieces of information about dogs which demonstrates their amazing qualities, but I have to say it wasn’t one my own kids came up with. They were more interested in how cute the puppy would look barking at a hairbrush on YouTube. Even they wouldn’t try to emotionally blackmail me like that. Are there really any children out there who would? Even if they had told me that my health would be insured by taking on a supernaturally gifted sniffer dog, I wouldn’t adopt this as my sole reason for getting one. Doctors can detect cancer too but I’m not about to move one of them in. They’re notoriously messy. Clever people often are.
“Dogs keep kids active” – I had a right old ROFLMAO at this one. That was indeed the great golden hope for us in getting a little pooch. My 14-year-old peddler of untruths used it too – “Loads of my friends have got dogs, I’ll be able to go out walking with my boys and our dogs, like every day, honestly mum.” Both he and the 9-year-old spend more time than ever out of the way and parked in front of their screens and consoles, especially when Baxter’s going through one of his rabid biting phases. Though, to be fair, the big one now gets up every Sunday morning and takes the dog out for a walk. Why the change of heart? His dad bribed him to do it with the promise of Fifa 14.
“Dogs can detect danger” – I can now rest easy because the soppy ball of golden fur currently crashed out in the kitchen can sniff out drugs and bombs. He gets alarmed at his own reflection. I can’t see him doing a 5am drugs bust on the local ne’er-do-wells.
“Dogs are therapeutic” – Older dogs may be therapeutic; I can’t deny that their powers of calming jittery humans are well documented, but young puppies most certainly are NOT. Readers of previous posts of this blog will know what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s just me, but my idea of a restful time isn’t chasing a crazed puppy around all day trying to make sure he doesn’t kill or seriously injure himself or someone else. There’s one time when they have a therapeutic effect. When they’re asleep and you can have a glass of wine.
“You can afford it” – Another ROFL moment. He cost us £250 alone in his first week at home. I might as well have given the vets and the pet shop my bank details and said “help yourself”. If your children try this one, tell them that they can pay for it with their pocket money and see how much they like the idea then.
“They deserve it” – Well, yes, they are good kids. They don’t swear in front of their grandparents or drop litter in the street or bunk off school. As far as I know. Well we all get what we deserve so I’m going to reward their good behaviour by bestowing the lion’s share of the care of the puppy on them. They’re going to be thrilled that they persuaded me to get that dog.