What do you say to somebody whose kid has been diagnosed with cancer?

This post isn’t just a reflective piece about what happened when my young daughter was diagnosed with cancer, but if you ever find yourself in that awful situation when a friend’s child is diagnosed with cancer, or some other life threatening illness, it may be of some help. Actually much of this applies to not just to a friend’s child, but also the friend themselves or any other family member diagnosed with a serious illness. Both my wife and I felt really let down by some close friends around the time of our daughter’s diagnosis because despite many opportunities some of them never mentioned it. Not a single word.

We shouldn’t have blamed them or been upset with them, as I know for a fact I would probably have done the same. But we were upset and hurt. When your child has been diagnosed with cancer it can feel as if the world doesn’t care. Nothing stands still as it should and life continues.

There are many logical reasons for not saying anything to someone with a seriously ill child:

  • You don’t really know what to say
  • You are scared of upsetting them if you say the wrong thing
  • The person might not want to talk about it with you
  • The person might not want to think about it

Or perhaps you are out with the them in a group of friends, it looks like they are enjoying themselves so you don’t want to bring the subject up. You don’t want to spoil what looks like a good time they are having. Or perhaps everyone knew about the bad news ages ago but you only just found out and it doesn’t seem appropriate to say anything now.

In the experience of me and my wife, and from a few other parents that have been in this unfortunate situation, I strongly recommend saying something. It doesn’t have to be anything really poetic or special, and it doesn’t have to be long. Just something like “sorry to hear about your kid, really hope everything works out ok” is more than adequate. Stating the obvious, this shows the person that you are thinking of them. If the person doesn’t want to talk about it, you will soon get the picture, and you have said all that needs to be said. I wouldn’t even be that worried about saying something if you are out together and having a good time, in all likelihood, whatever is going on with their kid isn’t far from their thoughts. It is unlikely they are forgetting everything for a few hours, we don’t think like that when our kid is seriously ill. If a suitable moment doesn’t arise, a text, email or private message on Facebook is much much better than nothing.

I sincerely hope you aren’t in a situation like this where you have to consider what to say.

Thankfully my daughter recovered and is well, but should I ever find myself in the situation of knowing someone going through what we did, I will make every effort to let them know they are not alone.

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