Single Parent Holidays

As soon as someone said the word “Thanksgiving,” I started feeling that familiar uneasiness.  Being a single parent on the holidays means coordinating the day around not only your family, but “the other’s” family, too.  Well, at least it should.  For me, it’s a not-so-gentle reminder that being a parent is actually about our children… not us… and we often forget that.

So, with the coming of Thanksgiving and the late-year holidays, I thought I’d throw together some of the things that have made for smoother holidays for my daughter… and me.  Just a note: I am talking about days of celebration, not vacations.  I’m not sure why some people insist on using the word holiday to mean vacation, but since it is those people that invented the language, I suppose I’ll let it slide.  This time.  But, I am talking about Christmas, Hanukkah, Flag Day, etc.

The holiday is about her

Taking a minute to remember

that I gave up a life of “me” when I decided to be a father resets the focus – and emotions – before having to do the uncomfortable holiday “negotiating”.  There is a difference between sacrafice and duty.  This is a good way to remember your duty as a parent and stop feeling like it’s a sacrifice.

Hating your parents

Which of your parents do you not want to see on the holidays?  If you could see both, wouldn’t you?

Regardless of the day-in day-out drama, our kids actually love us.  They love both of their parents.  What we see as “my family and their family”, kids see only as “my family”.  In most cases, your child would like to spend some time with each parent every year. Here in the States, we have ridiculously rigid agreements of who has custody when.  They often decree which year the child spends which holiday and which parents.  That’s stupid.  Maybe easier for you, but never better for them.  It’s actually OK to freely give up some of “your” time to allow your child to have what’s best for them.

Dinner time

Moving dinner an hour or so in one direction isn’t that big of a deal. And it can buy your kids two to three hours of eating, enjoyment, and travel time.  Imagine if you were spontaneously given a couple extra hours today.  How much easier would your day be?  BUT, moving holiday dinner as a single parent takes coordination, doesn’t it? 

Be the bigger person, reach out and ask “What time are you having dinner?”  The answer is always 1p or 2p.  Always.  You know better, though, yeah?  Try this response: “OK, that’s great.  We’ll do dinner a little earlier, like 11a – noon.  Can you stall a little, so our daughter can make it there for your dinner, too?”  This works particularly beautifully when it’s “your” holiday.

Their choice

As our babies grow up to be teenagers (and I wonder if a cowboy would be better), they yearn for control of their lives.  Giving them some input into where they spend the holidays is beneficial for their development (even if they choose the wrong side 🙂 )

And this is where things get tougher.  We’re all guilty of wanting our children to chose us over them, to some degree.  However, their choice is normally not about you or the other parent.  They love us equally.  There’s likely some other motive at work:

My daughter has always wanted thanksgiving with my side of the family. When she asked to spend it with her mom last year, I was a bit taken back… and yeah, hurt. As the parent – the adult – I didn’t ask questions. I said OK and figured out what time she’d leave and be home.

I spent the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving wondering how badly I’d screwed up and why she didn’t want to spend this big day with me. It was by far, the most difficult holiday I had in years. For our daughter to choose “HER” over “ME”? It sucked!

When she got home, I cordially asked how it went, secretly hoping for a “Meh, I should have spent it with you”. I didn’t get that; I got something better. “Thanks for not making a big deal about it. I really wanted to see my cousins”.

Yeah, it was tough, but had I trusted that she still loved me, I’d have saved myself a bunch of doubt and frustration!  So, here are some tips on giving our teenagers some control while keeping your own sanity:

1.  Asking what they want to do doesn’t mean they get to do it.  But, doing your best to accommodate shows them that their opinion is important.  Too often, we fall back on “because I said so”.  This gives kids the mindset that what you think matters so much, they are to do it without question.  That’s great as their authority figure, but as a developing adolescent, their default is to then believe their opinion means nothing.  No good.

2.  Don’t guide their answer.  Simply asking “What would you like to do for the holiday coming up?” allows them an open slate for input.  Asking whether your child wants to have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the mother that has loved them their whole life or turkey sandwiches with that %$#& wouldn’t really be fair.

3.  Don’t make it you vs. them.  Speaking of fair, your child doesn’t want to choose between their parents… or even seem like they are.  Do your best to avoid a “this” or “that” question.  Again, the open ended type is much better.

4.  Don’t take it personally.  Everyone, even teens, have times where they want consistency and times where they want change.  Whatever their answer is, tell them it’s good and you’ll try to make it work… even if it’s “I’d love to spend the day with Dad!”  Bite your teeth and wait until their out of the room to get angry… or a good drink.

5.  Don’t ask why.  This is forcing them to choose sides.  Seriously, at it’s best.  Just let their answer be their answer.  You’ll likely never know the reason why anyway.  If your kid thinks it’s going to hurt you to tell you something, they’re not going to anyway.  And yes, asking “Did I do something wrong to make you not love me anymore?” is worse than asking why.

6.  Do support their decision and do everything you can to make it happen.  Of course, if their decision is to just sleep all day and ignore the holidays, then just do what you think is best… particularly if it is sleep all day and ignore the holidays.

Kids of all ages can benefit from us actually acting like adults and doing what it takes to make our decision not to be together affect them as little as possible.  When they become old enough to have thoughtful reasons for where they spend their holidays, we can take that opportunity to give them some of the control they so desperately crave.  They’ll need to learn good and bad decisions at some point.

Besides, if they choose to spend time with “the other side”, just take back all their Christmas gifts and use the money to go on holiday.

Now, you can follow my shenanigans on Twitter.

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